Past Lives
by Rorschach's Blot
Summary: Hermione finds a spell to help Harry.
1. Chapter 01: Play it again Harry

Disclaimer: I do not own this, if I did I would be rich and have better things to do then write fics.

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Chapter 01: Play it again Harry

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In the Hogwarts Library surrounded by books sat the smartest witch in the castle "DAMN IT ALL" and she was in a bit of a quandary.

It had been days since she had cornered Harry and forced him to tell her what had been bothering him and after a bit of nagging and one or two tears he had broken down and revealed the prophecy and in the three days since the revelation she had been searching the library without success for some thing to aid her best friend in his inevitable duel with The Dark Lord.

As the hours wore on she began to give up hope, looking down at the last book in her current stack of possibilities she began to read, eyes widening in shock she couldn't contain the her joyful "EUREKA."

Not even the librarian's shocked glare could dull her enthusiasm for after three days of non stop search she had finally found it. Hidden away in the restricted section and wearing the dust cover of the book "Anecdotes of the Great Accounts" was a book entitled "666 Spells You Should NEVER Use."

She had almost discounted it until she noticed it, tucked away in the back between a charm designed to turn the caster inside out and a spell designed to transfigure the caster into a chamber pot was the Redo charm. Designed by an obscure sect of Wizards in the 19th century, the Redo charm was a charm which once cast would allow a person to relive one of their past lives and keep the memories and skills associated with their past self.

Hermione smiled to herself, it was perfect since Harry was a great hero in his present life then no doubt in the past he must been a great and formidable hero.

Her smile turned into a smirk as she considered the future, if ol'Voldie thought a child was dangerous then wait until he got a load of Harry after he gained possession of the skills his past self's had possessed.

"MWAHAHAHAHA" She choked off mid evil laugh, it just wasn't proper for the heroes to engage in such behavior, besides she didn't think the Madam Pince would ignore another such disturbance.

Leaving the library she rushed to the common room and outlined her plan to Harry who seamed nervous at first "Exactly why should I take such a risk mione?"

Slowly she smiled at his hesitancy, she was quite proud of him really she was for the way he learned a bit of caution after that mess in the Department of Mysteries.

Mentally she reviewed her argument to convince him to follow her course of action, a masterpiece of logic and deductive reasoning "BECAUSE I SAID SO."

Nodding fearfully in a courageous manner he quickly stammered an agreement then he closed his eyes and prepared to become someone else again, no wait that didn't sound right, he braced himself for the beginning, no wait he got ready to play it again Sam, hmmm yeah that's the ticket.

Back to the story, the Gryffindor common room was as silent as a mouse as the students gathered to watch the most brilliant witch of the century gather her powers.

With a swish and a flick the spell was completed and the assorted watchers gathered round the prostrate form of the 'boy who lived' waiting to see what sort of hero from ages past he had been and soon would become.

They watched as his eyes shot open, as he jumped to his feet and opened his lips, no doubt to recite some epic account of heroics from the past, or inspiring speech to raise their spirits for the conflict to come.

"Foolish English prepare to meet the wrath of Hrothgar the Wrathful, most feared Viking ever to pillage the English coast BWAHAHAHAHA" or not.

Their shock and awe quickly turned to stunned disbelief as Harry the Wrathful stole several tapestries, set fire to the common room, threw Hermione over his shoulder and fled still laughing his evil laugh.

Within minutes Harry had made his way into the forbidden forest where he would no doubt subject his captive to those horrible acts that Vikings are known to commit.

Throwing her on his pile of plundered tapestries he grinned an evil grin "Now" he said advancing towards her "It is time for you to meet your terrible fate..." he trailed off looking confused

"The terrible fate which you must now detail to me..." he looked at her questioningly.

In a flash of insight Hermione came to a shocking insight it seemed that no matter what life Harry was still Harry and that meant "You don't know what happens next do you?"

"No" he admitted with no small amount of shame

"You see one day I was raiding a village with my father and he turned to me and said 'Son, their comes a time in every young Viking's live when he captures a beautiful young girl and...'

Then he was killed by a flaming arrow through the eye and I've never been able to find out want comes next"

Not meeting her eye "and I've also been ashamed to ask one of the other Vikings, what would they think if they knew that Hrothgar the Wrathful most feared Viking to ever sail the ocean didn't know what he was suppose to do with a beautiful young captive."

Within moments Hermione being the crafty quick witted girl that she is had plotted out a way to escape from her captivity at the hands of the most brutal of Vikings Hrothgar the Wrathful.

"Oh, your suppose to marry me of course." She stated in a matter of fact tone.

"Really?" he asked in a dubiously "I always thought that their was more to it than that."

"Oh there is, but it all happens after the wedding and I will explain it to you then." She replied confidently

"Come along now, I don't want you to be late to your own wedding.

It was two days before the spell wore off and two weeks before the staff and students of Hogwarts saw the newly married couple, they watched shocked as a hobbling and apparently quite sore Hermione her face holding an apparent permanent smile, led a still confused Harry through the great hall towards the Gryffindor common room.


	2. Hermione?

Disclaimer: I do not own these characters.

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Hermione?

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As she walked through the halls of Hogwarts Hermione couldn't help but grin as she considered her actions over the past couple of weeks.

She had succeeded in her goal of aiding Harry in his war with the Dark Lord by giving him a mastery of the ancient art of rune magic through his recall of his life as Hrothgar the Wrathful and more importantly she had gotten married to in her opinion the most wonderful wizard in the world.

Her blissful thoughts ended when she the sound of someone clearing their throat in the background.

Turning to glare at the individual who had the audacity to ruin her happy thoughts

Speaks to professor McGonagall

"Professor McGonagall" she blinked "good, I won't have to take the time to find you, Harry and I will require a private room at once."

"And why pray tell will you and Harry 'require a private room,' and while we are on the subject what possible reason would two of my students have to disappear for two weeks hmmm?" The Professor asked in her most controlled voice, it wouldn't do to lose one's temper in front of the children after all.

"To answer both of your questions Professor, it's because Harry and I eloped and according to school regulation number four four nine dash one bravo all married students are to be accorded joint and private quarters"

So great was the woman's shock that its obvious signs were visible, her eyes widened her breath rate increased and her hands trembled, none of that however prepared her students for what was to happen next.

Squealing like a school girl McGonagall launched herself at her favorite students wrapping her arms around the both of them she began to weep tears large enough to put Hagrid's own contributions to shame rained down onto the newlyweds as they tried to comfort their Head of House.

Finally after what seemed like an eternity her tears stopped and she stepped back to look at Hogwart's newest married couple.

"I'm sorry dears but I always cry at weddings, and since I missed yours I just couldn't help myself." Pausing for a second to wipe the tears out of her eye "of course you'll need your own quarters, follow me I know just the place for you."

She led them to a suit of armor not far from the Gryffindor common room "together forever" McGonagall sighed the password.

Hearing the password the armor stepped out of the way revealing a passage way that reminded Harry of the Headmaster's office.

The passage ended revealing a large circular common room at one end was a stairway going up and at the other was a staircase going down "if you tap the third brick on the left corner with your wand three times then you will have access to the Gryffindor common room, the stairs going up lead to your sleeping chambers and the stairs going down lead to your kitchens and dining area."

"Thank you professor" Hermione said with a nod "was their anything else you wished to speak to us about?"

"One more thing Ms. Granger, I don't want to see you in any of your classes until the end of next week at the earliest" McGonagall said with a smile "you are at the point that you will have no trouble missing a bit of time and Harry will be fine so long as he has you to force him to study."

With that last bit of instruction, McGonagall left the room to the two newlyweds.

"All right Harry, I think that it's time to do the spell again now that we have a private place to do it."

"What do you mean 'do the spell again,' especially after what happened the first time" Harry stared at her in shock "I became one of the most feared Vikings ever to exist and you want me to do it again."

"But Harry" she said pouting "Vikings are considered great heroes in some parts of the world and quit frankly I am a little bit disappointed that you are being so closed minded."

"I don't care Hermione, I will not undergo the spell again and that is final" Harry said putting his foot down, it was high time he stopped folding to Hermione's every whim.

"Find then you can do the spell on me" Hermione said handing the book over "here it is in the back."

Harry took the book carefully in much the same manner that people take flasks of Nitroglycerin, and then he looked at the title "YOU USED A SPELL FROM THIS BOOK ON ME????"

"Yes" she replied calmly ignoring his outburst "frankly, I'm surprised that such a useful spell was in that book."

"Useful spell" he repeated incredulously "I could have been killed, how could you be so irresponsible as to use this on me."

"How could you" Hermione began to cry "I go through all this to find something to help you and you think that I care about you so little that I would endanger you safety."

"No no no" Harry was beginning to panic, gathering his new wife in a hug he sought to reassure her "I know that there is no way that you would do anything to harm me and I was just being a stupid git when I implied otherwise and please please stop crying."

"Good" said Hermione, tears mysteriously vanishing "then you will have no problems doing the spell on me."

Harry was stuck, he didn't know what to do, so he did what any man would have done in such a situation "yes dear" he said meekly "whatever you say."

Gathering his power he cast the spell, hoping for the best, but preparing for the worst.

He watched in shock as her entire demeanor changed from that of the girl he had known since the first train ride to something that would cow even McGonagall.

"Um, hi" Harry stammered intelligently "who are you?"

"I am the chief librarian of the great library of Alexandria" she said scowling at him "who are you?"

"Um, I'm your husband I guess" Harry replied with eloquence that Shakespeare would have killed to capture in words.

"Really" she said looking at him in the same manner that a hawk looks at a mouse.

Harry's nervousness only grew as he watched her transfigure her robes into something that was skin tight, made of black leather, and entirely too revealing for me to write in this fic.

Moments later, the students in the Gryffindor watched in shock as their fireplace pivoted to allow Harry to dash through the newly created entrance, his face wearing an expression of terror.

Their shock and confusion increased when the tip of a black leather bull whip snaked after him, snagging him around the ankle and dragged him back from whence he came.

By unspoken agreement the parties present agreed never to speak or think about this incident again and to pretend that they had all been elsewhere at the time.

It was three days before anyone saw Harry Potter; he stumbled into the common room wearing the ripped remains of what appeared to be a pair of clothing.

When his best friend Ron Weasley finally gathered the courage to approach him and ask what sort of ordeal he had endured, Harry refused to answer choosing instead to rub the deep rope burns on his wrist and mumble something about it always being the quiet ones.

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uten – He is mostly confused about the way Hermione is acting, hope this chapter showed that. That's pretty much the plot for any other chapters That I have the time to pencil out, I also have a few ideas for some of the other characters.

DaBear – Thanks  
  
Karlell – Thanks

Bamer – Now?


	3. The Black Fox

Disclaimer: You know what I would have put here.

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The Black Fox

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It had been one week since Hermione's experience with the redo spell and Harry's rope burns had finally healed.

"Hey Harry, what do you want to do tonight?" Hermione asked him, eyes filled with innocence "do you want to try using the spell again?"

"How about we do something else" he said wearily.

"Ok" she said brightly "I the frame of our bed reinforced so you won't accidentally break it and run off this time."

"Or we could just cast the spell again if you really want" Harry responded fearfully, he'd been on edge around Hermione ever since she had become that rather frightening Librarian.

"If you really want Harry" Hermione agreed in an expression that was entirely too smug "it's your decision of course."

Harry sighed to himself as he watched her prepare the spell, it was times like this that he wished that he had kidnapped one of the dumber girls, at least then he wouldn't keep being manipulated into doing things like this.

Smiling brightly Hermione once again cast the spell and as he felt the effects wash over him Harry wondered again what life would be like if Hermione couldn't make him dance like a puppet on a string.

Hermione watched as Harry's familiar features again changed into something foreign, upon noticing his eyes open "and you are?"

"I am the hidden archer that destroys the sheriff's legions, I am the protector of all down trodden people, I am..." it was at this point that Hermione stopped listening, finally after several minutes he got to the point.

"For I, fair Lady am" He paused for dramatic effect "The Black Fox, most feared wizard outlaw ever to grace that little patch of forested land outside Westchester between the old mill pond and that tree that grew in a funny shape."

Hermione stared at him in shock for a few seconds then dissolved into laughter.

"Well" he said somewhat defensively "all the good forests are taken by other outlaws, do you know what the waiting list was, I was lucky to get what I did."

Ending her laughter after hearing the hurt tone in his voice she tried to make him feel better "I'm sure you have a perfectly nice forest to outlaw in."

"I do" he agreed "it has a large oak tree and everything, and who might you be my lovely rose blossom?"

"Your wife" her answer was short sweet and to the point.

"That is a bit strange fair lady, for you do not look like my wife."

"Oh" she said in a dangerous tone "what exactly does your wife look like?"

"To be honest, I'm not exactly sure" he said eyes unfocused in a way that would indicate a flash back in a higher budget fic "upon hearing that I had been married three years ago, I promptly escaped into the forest reasoning that a diet of raw squirrel and tree bark would be much more enjoyable then to be chained to one woman for the rest of my life..."

"Oh really?" Hermione said arching her eyebrow in a way that filled the Black Fox with fear "well husband of mine, it seems that you have three years of neglect to make up for."

Later that night, Hermione smiled as she watched Harry collapse in exhaustion.

As she watched the steady rise and fall of his chest she mused that she finally understood the satisfaction that you can get from a relationship that her mother was always talking about, no wonder her mother was always forcing her father to do things, her short afternoon of forcing Harry to clean the gutters around Gryffindor tower made her sigh dreamily about the things she would do in the future.

Pausing to jot down a quick two hundred page 'honey do' list she mused on what she should have Harry do after she made him defeat that annoying Voldemort fellow.

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AN: Two points to the person who spotted the 'Disk World' reference in the first chapter.

Thanks to all of my reviewers.

uten – Other characters casting it on each other. For example, Draco will get a hold of the spell and he will wish that he hadn't had it used on himself.


	4. THE PLAN

Disclaimer: The works that this are based upon do not belong to me.

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THE PLAN

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Draco Malfoy was angry, his arch enemy Harry Potter had somehow managed to acquire a spell that was increasing his power and base of knowledge by the hour, he began to cackle evilly he had finally managed to secure a copy of Potter's blasted spell using the methods of which he was infamous for using (i.e.: sulking for several days before complaining to daddy).

Looking down at the parchment he began to plot his next move, he would need a partner to help him with this, a partner that would be too stupid (noble) to use any information acquired from his past life against him, he needed a partner that he could reason with (intimidate), he needed . . . his lips curled into a rather pathetic evil grin.

Two hours later he was ready to enact his plan, "hey Weaslet, ya wanna make a little money?" he asked the youngest Weasley in an isolated hallway with a suave grin, "I promise to give you a rather . . . unique experience."

The next thing he knew he was on the ground clutching his testacies in agony watching the young girl walk off while she muttered something about 'dirty little perverts.'

Draco sat down in the common room a few hours later with a large bag of ice in his lap, he began to pick apart his plan with all the cunning that had made his House so infamous, and then after several hours of thought he had it, he had found the one flaw in his plan and with that corrected he would be victorious.

The next day he sought out the youngest Weasley in another isolated hallway to enact his newly formed 'PLAN MK II.'

"Hey Weasley" he wagged his eyebrows in a charming manner while both hands guarded his groin, "how would you like to do me a little favor?"

The young red head looked at him incredulously for all of two seconds before she broke his nose with a well placed right cross, "Jerk."

As Draco clutched his he tried to come to terms with the failure of his 'PLAN MK II,' retiring to the common room for several more hours of contemplation before he was able to think up his new and amazing 'PLAN MK III.'

"Hey Weasley, ya wanna make a little money?" he met his nemesis in an isolated hallway, "I promise to give you a rather . . . unique experience."

Looking at him incredulously, Ron turned sort of pale before running in the opposite direction as fast as his little legs would take him.

Later that night, Draco sat in the great hall enjoying his meal and trying to figure out what had went wrong with his perfect plan, finishing his meal he got up and wondered about the curious looks that some of his school mates were giving him, walking out of the great hall he tried to figure out where he had gone wrong.

The next day he was frustrated by his inability to enact his 'PLAN MK IV' due to the fact that Ron turned pale and ran in the other direction whenever they were alone together, so reluctantly, he scrapped his 'PLAN MK IV' and began work on his 'PLAN MK V.'

Waiting in what was rapidly becoming his favorite isolated hall way, Draco prepared to enact his 'PLAN MK V' a plan that had no chance of failure.

"Hey Ginny" he asked one hand held protectively over his nose and the other over his groin, "I need your help with something."

The girl gave him a wide eyed stare and just as Draco was ready to complement himself on the brilliant execution of his 'PLAN MK V' she felled him with a rather well placed kick to the side of the knee.

"Listen here you pervert" Ginny gave him a sharp kick to the side, "I" kick "am" kick "not" kick "interested" kick "in" kick "you, and for your information when a girl turns you down it's considered bad form to start hitting on her brother."

As he watched her stomp off, Draco reflected on what he had heard (aside from his ribs cracking) and began to plot his 'PLAN MK VI' the plan that would succeed.

Waiting in the hallway the next day he silently went over what he needed to do, "Miss Ginny" he started as she rounded the corner, "I would like to enlist your help in casting the 'Redo' charm on myself" Draco cringed in fear . . . upon noticing that he hadn't been harmed, he slowly opened his eyes

"Ok" Ginny nodded, "but you have to give up your wand first."

"Um that wasn't part of the PLAN" Draco replied a bit nervously.

"It will be if you want my help" Ginny's eyes narrowed; maybe if she helped him then the little pervert would finally leave her alone.

"Um" Draco thought about it, "I suppose I could modify my 'PLAN VI' to include it, course then I'd have to rename it 'PLAN VI-a' . . ." he looked at her awaiting a response.

"Whatever" she took his wand, "but if I do this, then you have to agree to stop hitting on me and my brother."

"Um" Draco scratched his head, "maybe I should make it 'PLAN VI-b.'"

"Fine" Ginny grabbed the spell, "let's just get this over with."

Casting the spell, she watched in fascination as Draco's features turned from his normal 'ineptly evil' to more of a 'mundanely incompetent.'

"And Just who are you" she asked the new figure with mild interest.

"I be Mundanus Muggle" the man responded with a bit of pride, "Ah'm so dull and non magic that da Wizzy folk ave named all non magic folk after me."

"Really" Ginny began to smirk as she pulled out a magical recording device of some sort that is much to complex to detail in a simple account, a device so complex that it would take several lines of description to even have a chance of portraying some of it's complexity, "this has some possibilities."

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AN: Was in the mood to work on this a bit, yes it's OOC but that's why it's so fun to write Been a while but I will continue as inspiration strikes.

Thanks for the reviews

Zaxxon – I agree, just having a bit of fun with the fic.


	5. THE PLAN VERSION 02

Disclaimer: I do not own Harry Potter

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THE PLAN VERSION 02

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Draco awoke to find him alone in a used class room; obviously he had turned into a great Dark Lord from ages past and was hiding, that is to say making a tactical retreat while he prepared to unleash more terror.

Reaching for the memories from ages past he was confused when he found not the multitudes of dark spells and skills in torture that he had expected, but skills in . . . shoveling manure?

Knowing that it must be some odd and hear fore unknown side effect of the spell, most likely due to the Weaslet's poor breeding he once again reached into the dark corners of his mind and found . . . that chess really was too fast paced for his tastes?

Draco screamed in horror as the memories rushed in, and for the first time in his life he asked himself what the point of learning magic was when he could get the job done with his own two hands.

Shuddering in fear at the spell's terrible effect he spent several hours crying on the floor, that is to say thinking about his plight.

Then, after several hours of sobbing . . . I mean thinking, he had it; the gods had cursed him to be a muggle because he was such a feared and terrible dark lord.

Cackling with glee he quickly thought up his new 'Plan version 2 MK I' and prepared to put it into action.

Walking to a conveniently placed isolated hallway he waited for the youngest Weasley to conveniently walk by, now you may have noticed that this would not normally have happened, but as I have mentioned before this is a low budget fan fiction and we cannot be bothered with writing such things as reasonable explanations.

Ginny sighed with annoyance when she noticed Draco attempting to hide behind a suit of armor, "what do you want now Draco."

"I need you to cast the redo charm on me again" Draco begged, "the last time you must have done it wrong, so I need you to do it again."

"You agreed to stop hitting on me and my brother if I cast the spell on you Draco" Ginny shook her head, "so go away."

Seeing her resolve Draco began to run through the isolated hallways knowing that sooner or later he would run across the other Weasley.

Finally after an indeterminate amount of time (Watches weren't in this fic's budget), he found and cornered his prey.

"Weasley you gotta help me" Draco was panting in excursion as he addressed Ron, "I have this need that only you can fulfill."

Grabbing the paling red head before he could make his escape, Draco looked deep into his eyes and continued, "Your sister refuses to help me with it so the only one I can turn to is you."

Shaking Malfoy's arm off Ron made his escape, as he ran he heard Draco's desperate cries begging him to return.

Draco couldn't understand it, why didn't they help him . . . after several moments of thinking he realized his problem, while he had thought up his 'Plan version 2 MK I' to deal with the Weaslet, he had not thought up his 'Plan version 2 MK II' to deal with her brother.

Sitting on the hard stone floor, Malfoy racked his brain to come up with his 'Plan version 2 MK II' to deal with the new situation, finally, after several hours he had it.

Ron shuttered in fear as Malfoy jumped out from behind a suit of Armor, resolving to deal with the situation in the way that was advised by the girls in the common room he took a deep breath and began in a sincere voice, "look Malfoy, I'm sorry but I'm not attracted to you in that way."

"Then will you cast the 'redo' charm on me" Draco's eyes shined with hope.

"Um, sure" Ron nodded, "but after this you have to leave me alone."

"I don't see how that would be a problem" Draco replied with his usual smirk, "let's find an unused class room to do this in."

"How about we stay in the open" Ron chuckled nervously, "do you have the spell?"

"Here" Draco handed the spell over to the nervous boy, "now get on with it."

Giving a swish and a flick Ron completed the spell, and then he turned around and ran as fast as he could, which really was a shame because he would have killed to see what happened next.

Looking around, Larry the Useless wondered at the strange place that he found himself, transfiguring his drab robes into a hot pink frog suit he began to explore.

"Don't you give up" a pretty young red head looked at him in annoyance, "I told you I'm not going to cast that stupid spell again."

"I am afraid that I know not what you speak" Larry turned to regard the young girl, "though I do apologize for any distress that I may have caused you."

"Really" her look of annoyance turned predatory as she pulled out an odd device, "why don't you tell me all about yourself."

"Well" he began, "my name is Larry the Useless and I hale from North South Hampton Shire town."

"Why do they call you the useless" she asked absently as she began to fiddle with her odd device, "and please speak into the mic."

"They do not appreciate my genius" he pushed out his chest, "I am the great inventor of such spells as the Fread Hex and the frogs to toad transfiguration."

"The Fread Hex?" she looked at him oddly "what does that do?"

"It works only on red heads named Fred that have a twin brother named Garfunkel" he replied proudly, "and it gives them one freckle on their lower back."

"Can it be used more then once" Ginny asked with an odd look, "and why would you want to invent a spell like that."

"No it can't be used more then once" he answered hotly, "and think of all the uses that such a spell would have."

"O . . . K" Ginny backed away from the deranged man, "what else did you invent."

"Well" he said starting to calm down a bit "I did invent this snappy substitute for normal robes and a rather useful spell to turn drab old robes into them."

"Would that useful spell be the hot pink frog suit that you have on right now?" Ginny had to bite her tongue to hold down the laughter.

"Why yes it is" He nodded proudly, "would you like some of your own?"

"Not just yet" she considered something, "how long would it take for you to fill up a spell book with all of you inventions and spells?"

"Less then a minute" he smiled, "I also invented a spell to transcribe all of my spells and useful inventions into an empty book, but why do you ask?"

"I have a pair of brothers that have a birthday coming up" she replied absently digging through her bag.

"And you wish to gift them with my wonderful spells and inventions" he looked close to tears, "finally someone who appreciates my genius."

"Something like that" she agreed as she handed him a blank book that she conveniently had, "now if you would."

Chanting the ritual to fill the book he then handed it back to her, anticlimactic wasn't it?

"And now what dost thou wish for me to do?" he looked at her curiously.

"And now" she said checking the time, "we go to the great hall, dinner is just starting and it would be a crime to keep you from telling everyone your ideas."

And so our story ends with a smirking red headed girl leading Larry the Useless to the great hall so that he can deliver to them a dissertation on his great works, though one has to wonder what will happen when Malfoy becomes himself again.

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Thanks for the reviews, responses are below

Pheonixelemental – Glad you like it

Bobboky - Your comment is what inspired me to end the chapter the way that I did.

power214063 – Hope that this chapter answered your questions.

shadow of the black abyss – Glad you liked it.

uten – Heh, glad you liked it. And as you can see Draco tried again.

Junior1544 – Circumstances are such that she was able to provide a live performance.


	6. Snape?

Disclaimer: I do not own Harry Potter, if I did I would be too rich to bother with any of this and I would be off doing horrible things, safe in the knowledge that I could get the best attack lawyers that money could buy.

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Snape?

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"Thank you for coming everyone," Dumbledore's eyes twinkled as he looked around the table at his assembled staff, "I've called this meeting to discuss the recent events that have rocked the castle."

"It's about time," Snape put in his two cents, "that spell is a menace and a danger to the school."

"If you really feel that way, then I suppose that you should be the one to test it out then Severus," Dumbledore's eyes twinkled merrily.

"Why not McGonagall?" Snape asked quickly, "it was two of her students that started this whole mess."

"I believe that your proficiency in Occlumency may allow you to resist the spell, so I think it would be best if you were the receiver and Minerva was the caster."

"Fine," Snape agreed sourly, "but only to move the plot along."

"Excellent," Dumbledore nodded happily, "then I'll leave you to your experimentation."

Snape scowled as he watched the Deputy Headmistress prepare to cast the spell, "are you ready Severus?"

"Just get on with it," Snape gritted his teeth.

After casting the spell, McGonagall watched in fascination as the Greasy Potions Master straightened and began to look about the room.

"Where am I?" He asked in a clear voice.

"Hogwarts"

"Thank you fair lady," the changed man bent to kiss the back of her hand, "allow me to introduce myself, I am Adrian Nova at your service and who do I have the honor of addressing?"

"Minerva McGonagall, Deputy Headmistress"

"That all is such a mouthful" the man gave another charming smile, "may I just call you Mistress?"

"No"

"You wound me my fair lady," the man brought his hand to his chest, "I demand a kiss as reparations."

"No"

"Then I fear that I must go," the man gave a dramatic sigh, "to find some other fair flower on which to spread my pollen."

"I don't think . . ." Minerva watched the man flee the room, "that you want to do that," she finished lamely, "ah well; I hope he can handle the changes after he wakes up."

Several days later, Snape awoke in a very unfamiliar bed, closing his eyes he began to make sense of his disorganized thoughts.

He remembered hitting on McGonagall, he remembered running through the castle propositioning every female above the age of eighteen, he remembered being turned down every time, he remembered . . . he frowned as he came to a blank spot in his memory, what in the bloody hell could be so horrible that his mind would not allow him to view it?

"Mornin Sevvie Poo," a deep voice rumbled, "ah'd ave figured dat you'd ah slept much longer after all da work ya' did las night."

Snape turned in horror and saw a sight that would haunt him till his dieing day . . . Hagrid in a bathrobe.

Screaming, Snape lept from the bed and fled the small cottage, behind he could hear Hagrid's calling for him to return to their 'love nest' shuddering in disgust Snape only ran faster.

Seconds after Snape's disappearance, the sound of disembodied laughter rocked Hagrid's tiny little cottage.

"Ow was dat Remus?" Hagrid asked the empty room.

"Brilliant," came the enthusiastic reply as the werewolf removed his invisibility cloak, "Sirius would have been proud to know that you helped fulfill his dieing wish to prank Snape one more time."

"Thanks Remus," the large man blushed, "but all ah did was read the script ya gave me."

"That was the most important part of our ruse," Remus countered, "and without it, I don't think we would have ever been able to convince him that he spent the night here, and that part at the end about the 'love nest' was absolutely brilliant."

We shall now leave the conversation between Remus and Hagrid to again focus on the actions of Harry and Hermione.

"I am not letting you use that spell on me and that's final," Harry crossed his arms and glared at his wife, "Understand?"

"Yes Harry," Hermione agreed with uncharacteristic meekness, "but I really would like to try it again."

"NO"

"Please," Hermione pouted cutely and looked into his eyes, "I just want to get strong enough to help you."

"Alright," Harry broke, "but after this we will be taking a break from this spell for a while."

"Oh thank you Harry," Hermione through her arms around him, "you won't regret this."

"Not until you conjured up another bullwhip," he muttered in agreement.

"What was that?"

"Nothing important," Harry grabbed his wand and made the now familiar movements.

"Wh . . . where am I?" The stranger in Hermione's body looked at him fearfully, "who are you?"

"You are in Hogwarts School of Witchcraft and Wizardry," Harry answered in a soothing voice, "and I am your Husband Harry, who are you?"

"I am Miriam, and I am a Librarian at the great library at Camelot"

"Not another Librarian," Harry muttered to himself fearfully.

"What's wrong with Librarian?" The girl showed a bit anger, "and how did I get here?"

"My wife and I have been experimenting with a spell called Redo that allows you to experience your past lives," Harry replied quickly, "and the last time she was a Librarian, she had an odd habit of conjuring up bullwhips."

"Oh," the girl looked at him oddly, "why would she want to do something like that?"

"Why don't I show you," Harry grinned evilly as he pulled a length of rope out from behind his chair.

It would be quite some time before Hermione emerged from the couple's shared quarters, and when she did she was rubbing her wrists and muttering something about rope burns and punishment . . . it was agreed upon by all present that they had all been having a mass hallucination brought upon by contact with some of the mass quantities of mind altering drugs that Snape had insisted they brew during Potions Class lately.

* * *


	7. Minnie?

Disclaimer: I don't own Harry Potter.

* * *

Minnie?

* * *

"You wished to speak with me Albus?" Minerva entered the Headmaster's office.

"Yes," the aged wizard confirmed. "I have some good news and some bad news."

"What's the bad news?" The Deputy Headmistress asked.

"I'm afraid that Severus refuses to speak about his experiences with the 'Redo' charm, and so I have been unable to determine wither or not to restrict the spell." Dumbledore shook his head sadly, "since the spell he spends most of his time drugged out of his mind from all those mind altering potions he's been taking."

"And the good news?" Minerva asked, almost afraid to ask.

"Several parents have OWLed thanking me for restructuring the Potions program," the old wizard smiled. "They say that their children are learning more and having a lot of fun, and that since Snape started being nicer his class is one of the funnest."

"I suppose that we'll have to test it out again," Minerva shrugged. Already picking out the next victim, er that is, um . . . 'volunteer' to help her test the spell. "I think that Sibyll would be willing to help us with this."

"I'm glad you agree that the spell needs further testing," Dumbledore smiled. "And since Sibyll isn't here . . ."

"Wha?" Minerva noticed the wand in her boss's hand and before she could protest, she became someone else.

"Did it work?" Albus asked his transfiguration professor with a smile.

"Mwahalala SNEED," McGonagall replied. "UISCE BEATHA!"

"I'm afraid that I only have one bottle," the Headmaster reached into his desk and pulled out a bottle of fire-whiskey. "Do you need anything else?"

"GwhaWaHamana," McGonagall replied shooting fire out of the tip of her wand. "MugaLamaHamaLama."

"I would be happy to make your robes plaid," Dumbledore nodded, flicking his wand to extinguish the fire on his desk and again to comply with the Professor's request.

"Gralamunga," McGonagall's were filled with unholy rage. "Nahaal munch meet."

"I'm afraid that I'm going to have to cut our lovely chat short," Albus's eyes were twinkling like mad. "I have an important meeting to get to and I really can't be late."

"Manamanan Squeek." McGonagall broke a leg off of one of the chairs and tried to brain the headmaster with her impromptu club.

"Yes, well, I'm sure that you could find some more whiskey if you seached through the rest of the castle."

"GWEEEEEEEEEE e." McGonagall gave a blood chilling cry and destroyed one of the walls.

"I haven't had this much fun in years," the Headmaster mused to himself. "I really must thank Ms. Grang . . . Potter for finding this spell."

* * *

IIIIIIIIII

* * *

"Where did you get it?" A small fourth year gazed in awe at the bottle in his companion's hands.

"My older brother sent it to me," the second boy answered proudly. "He said that it was time for me to become a man."

"But what if we get caught?" The first boy looked around nervously, "I don't want to be punished."

"Don't worry," the second boy smiled proudly. "My older brother put charms on the bottle so that none of the professors would be able to notice it."

"Open it up," the first boy's hands were shaking with excitement.

"Ok, I . . ." the second boy froze, "McGonagall's coming."

"Just stay calm," the first boy cautioned. "If we aren't acting suspicious, then she has no reason to check the bottle."

McGonagall stopped and began sniffing the air, "UISCE BEATHA!"

"She knows," the first boy cried in panic, "and she's angry."

"UISCE BEATHA!" McGonagall screamed again and rushed toward the two boys.

The following scene of violence has been deleted by the Author to keep the rating under M, if you really have no know what happened then I suggest you drop a chicken in a wood chipper. While it won't be anything like what happened in the missing scene, it will probably traumatize you about the same amount as the deleted scene would have.

"UISCE BEATHA!" McGonagall gave a happy scream as she began drinking the contents of her newly liberated bottle. "Magranamala."

"Oh no," Ron screamed coming across the scene. "McGonagall's been possessed."

"We'll save you Professor," another student screamed, firing a stunner. "And not just because it means that we can hit you with as many spells as we want until you go normal again."

"BORK," McGonagall screamed in rage, dodging the spells.

What followed was a chase that destroyed a large portion of the school, traumatized several students, and finally ended when a drunken McGonagall stole an entire roasted cow that the house elves had put on one of the tables.

"Now Minerva," Dumbledore had to bite his lower lip to keep from laughing. "I'm going to have to ask you to put that back, that's student food. Teacher food is on this table."

"Greeeee," McGonagall shot a ball of fire at the headmaster and climbed up to a ledge above the great hall.

"Really Minerva," Dumbledore forced himself to look stern. "What kind of example are you setting for the children?"

"Bungala," McGonagall screamed throwing a gnawed bone at the Headmaster. "Sgree."

"Fine," the Headmaster's face was turning red as he faught to suppress the laughter that threatened to break free. "If you're not willing to talk about this like a rational adult, then I'm just going to ignore you."

The students watched in shock as their transfiguration continued to throw bones, and other odd items at anyone that drew her attention.

"Who do you suppose she thinks she is?" Ron wondered aloud as he stared up at his head of house.

"I'd say that she's Arthuesa the Insane," Hermione replied as she entered the room. "According to 'Insane Powerful Witches a History,' Arthuesa the Insane liked to . . ."

"Whatever," Ron interrupted. "I don't care, just wanted to know who she was and the name says it all."

"Magawagalamafrank," Minerva screamed from her perch above the great hall and began conjuring up a batch of large heavy stones.

"Good afternoon everyone," Harry greeted his friends as he entered the room, "how are you . . ." he took a quick step to the left to avoid being hit by a rather large rock.

"Hello Harry," Ron mumbled through a mouth full of food.

"What's Professor McGonagall doing?" Harry asked, craning his neck to get a better look at his transfiguration professor. "And why is she wearing plaid?"

"Professor Dumbledore decided to test the spell out again, because he couldn't get Professor Snape to talk about what happened." Hermione replied as she reached across the table for another piece of bread. "And Professor McGonagall is wearing plaid because Arthuesa the Insane likes plaid."

"I guess I can understand that," Harry nodded slowly. "But why is she conjuring up rocks and trying to kill us?"

"I imagine that it's because she's too tired to use any other spells after the chase earlier," Hermione shrugged. "Though I could be wrong."

"How much did I miss?" Harry dodged another rock.

"Not much," Hermione stood. "Want to go back to our room?"

"Sure," Harry nodded. "We can get back to doing what we were doing before you escaped."

"Ok Harry," Hermione's cheeks turned pink. "If that's what you want."

"It is," Harry nodded. "Before we start, I have to know how you managed to untie those ropes with your toes."

"The first librarian knew quite a bit about ropes," Hermione gave a sultry grin. "I can show you if you want."

"So long as I'm the one that does the tying," Harry agreed.

"But I got tied up last time," Hermione protested. "Flip for it?"

"Sure," Harry smiled warmly. "Heads or tails?"

"Heads," Hermione smirked. "Toss it."

Harry flipped the coin in the air and caught it easily. "Tails, looks like I win."

"This time," agreed Hermione.

"This time," confirmed Harry. Those fake coins were the best investment he had ever made.

* * *

AN: I decided to write out a chapter today for my birthday, enjoy. 


	8. The Dark Lord    Tim?

Disclaimer: Ah, you know.

* * *

The Dark Lord . . . Tim?

* * *

"So how did you find the experience?" Dumbledore nearly broke a rib restraining the laughter that threatened to burst out like some sort of alien. "Minerva?

"What?" The Transfiguration Professor looked up, "I'm sorry Albus, what did you ask again?"

"I wanted to know what your experiences with the 'Redo' charm taught you?" The Headmaster's eyes were twinkling like mad, "we still have yet to determine wither or not to restrict it."

"I think further testing is needed Albus," the Deputy Headmistress replied. "I'm not sure how to classify my experience and I think that it would be a benefit to all if we were to try the spell again."

"Excellent idea Minerva," the Headmaster nodded in agreement. "Let me just grab my wand and . . ."

"No need Albus," the Deputy Headmistress interrupted. "I already have mine out."

McGonagall would cherish till the end of her days, the memory of the Headmaster's look of shock at being bested for the first time in his life.

"Who are you Woman?" The Headmaster's voice had turned dark, "and why aren't you bowing before me?"

"Who are you," McGonagall replied nervously, not liking the way things were going.

"Some call me," the Headmaster paused for dramatic effect. "The Dark Lord . . . Tim."

"The Dark Lord Tim," McGonagall repeated trying to recall where she had heard that name before. "Wasn't your name Ignace?"

"Never call me that name," the Headmaster hissed. "That was my uncle's cousin's friend's wife's uncle's brother in law's name, and I do not want to be reminded of my relationship with that man."

"O . . . k," McGonagall nodded slowly. "Well, I've got to go to class. Try not to break anything."

"Bah," the Headmaster bah'ed, "who are you to command a Dark Lord of my caliber?"

"You may be old, but you're not too old for me to take over my knee." McGonagall didn't even turn around, "not after reading those books I borrowed from Ms. Potter."

Tim glared at the woman as she left, who was she to dictate the way he lived his life. Shaking it off, the Dark Lord smiled. It didn't matter, all that mattered is that he was alone and about to start a reign of terror from which the world would never recover.

"Bwahahahahahaha," the Dark Lord paused. He could have sworn he heard another person laughing evilly with him, shrugging his shoulders he started again. "Bwahahahahahahaha," he was sure he heard another person laughing with him.

"Are we going to laugh some more Headmaster Sir?" Dobby asked innocently.

"No," the Dark Lord Tim shook his head. "It's time for us to start our reign of terror."

"What reign of terror Headmaster Sir?" Dobby asked.

"We're going to bring the world to it's knees," the Headmaster began laughing. "Soon they will all learn to fear the name . . . TIM. Bwhahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahaha." The Dark Lord Tim had to pause to take in another deep breath, "ahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahaha and ha."

"NO," Dobby shook his head. "I must get Harry Potter sir, he'll stop you."

"Foolish elf, no one can stop me." The Dark Lord Tim smiled evilly, "I feel another evil laugh coming on . . . nope false alarm. Now where did that elf go?"

* * *

IIIIIIIIII

* * *

"Harry Potter Sir," the frantic house elf latched onto Harry's leg. "It's terrible it is."

"What's terrible Dobby," Harry asked as he pulled off his black leather face mask. "Did something happen?"

"Dumbydoor, he." The house elf sobbed, "he's turned evil."

"How did this happen?" Harry's eyes turned cold.

"Well," Dobby began. "I was clearing away the tea set when Professy McGonagallll cast a spell at Dumbydoor. Then Dumbydoor got really happy and we started laughing, then Dumbydoor stopped laughing, then Dumbydoor started laughing again, then Dumbydoor told me that it was time to start our reign of terror and said that he was a Dark Lord."

"Did he say what his name was?" Hermione asked, having managed to work her gag free.

"He says his name is the Dark Lord pause for dramatic effect Tim." Dobby sobbed.

"Don't worry about it then," Hermione dismissed the problem. "The Dark Lord Tim aka Ignace the Incompetent was one of the worst Dark Lords in History, his 'reign of terror' is regarded by many as being one of the most peaceful periods in the wizarding world. The most he'll do is steal a few socks or something."

"NO," Dobby shreaked. "Not Socks." Disappearing to fight the great menace to sock kind.

"Now where were we?" Harry asked with an evil grin.

"Um . . ." Hermione thought for a second, "I'm a Princess and you're a Pirate and you've just taken me to your evil island."

"Right," Harry nodded. "Your father can't save you now Princess Hermione."

* * *

IIIIIIIIII

* * *

Tim smiled as he added another pile of socks to his horde, only the left ones of course. Nothing was more evil than only taking the left socks and leaving a person with a pile of right socks. "Bwahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahaha, the Dark Lord Tim strikes again."

"Ahhhhh," Dobby appeared and grabbed the bag of socks. "I won't let you."

"Curses," Tim Screamed. "Foiled again."

"Where ever there are socks," Dobby looked fierce. "Dobby will be there to guard them."

"You win this round elf," Tim glared at his arch nemesis. "But next time you won't be so lucky."

"Dobby Will Be Lucky."

"Will not"

"Will so"

"Will Not"

"Will so"

"Will not"

"Will so"

"Will Not"

"Will so"

"Will not"

"Will so"

"Will Not"

"Will so"

"Will not," the Headmaster glared again. "It's time for me to flee to my secrete hide out in the Headmaster's office, but before I do there's something I need to tell you."

"What?"

"Will not," the Dark Lord Tim grabbed the bag full of socks and began running towards the safety of his office . . . I mean evil lair with Dobby in hot pursuit.

"Stop," the little house elf called out feebly, "stop."

"No, I'll never sto . . ." The Dark Lord Tim's shout of defiance was cut off when he ran into a wall, he really should have been paying attention to where he was going.

"Success," Dobby cried out rescuing the bag full of socks.

"Curses," the Dark Lord Tim glared at the spot where the house elf had stood only moments before. "You win this round, but next time you won't be so lucky."

"Will too," Dobby's voice echoed through the corridors.

"Will not," the Dark Lord Tim disagreed.

"Will too"

"Will not

"Will too"

"Will not," the Dark Lord Tim cried out and then cast a silencing charm on himself, this time he'd get the last laugh.

The Dark Lord Tim's next plan was much more ambitious, this time sneaking into the Owlery to commit his nefarious deed.

"What are you doing Professor?" A group of first years were curious to know what the Headmaster was doing.

"I'm enacting my next great evil plot," the Headmaster gave a friendly smile (it was supposed to be an evil leer), "want to help me?"

"Ok," the leader of the small group nodded his head. "What do you want us to do?"

"I've managed to get the addresses of several rather prominent members of the Government," the Headmaster smirked. "We're going to sign them up for magazines and catalogs that they don't want."

"Wow," the children's eyes widened.

"Let's get started then," Dumbledore smirked. "Bwahahahaha Bwahahahahaha Bwhahahahahahahhahahahahahahahahaha."

The children joined in and soon the entire school was filled with a rather high pitched evil laughter. Internally the Dark Lord Tim was ecstatic, for the first time ever he had minions.

* * *

AN: I was going to put in a scene of the Dark Lord Tim punishing his followers with a tickling charm but I decided that this silliness had gone on long enough. Next chapter, The Return of the Hogwarts Four, two, four, whatever. 


	9. The Four Founders? Or The Two Founders?

Disclaimer: Joining a Dark Lord may sound like fun, and it is a lot of fun. And it may be true that you won't face any effective resistance, and that you can buy your way out of any trouble. But you shouldn't do it because Most Dark Lords are overly fond of saying 'CRUCIO' and that isn't fun. Although, you might be able to get a note from your doctor saying that you shouldn't be 'CRUCIO'ed' who knows it might work. Or it could also backfire, Most Dark Lords know all sorts of ways to cause pain so I would have your doctor write that you can't be subjected to pain. In conclusion, I would advise you to pick carefully when you're getting ready to chose a Dark Lord to join. And if I were you, I would join one that isn't overly fond of causing pain to their followers.

* * *

The Four Founders? Or The Two Founders?

* * *

"Guys," Ron looked around the room nervously. "It's been confirmed, Dumbledore . . . Dumbledore's a dark lord."

"No," some unimportant minor character no'ed. "It can't be true."

"Believe me Some," Ron shook his head. "It is, what's worse is that Harry and Hermione are too busy doing deviant things to each other to help us."

"What are we going to do?" Asked one of the three other students dumb enough to think there was a problem.

"I know the 'Redo' charm," Ron held his breath. "The only thing that we can do is to cast it on Harry and Hermione and hope that their past selves will help us."

"Haven't most of their past selves been criminals or perverted librarians?"

"Well . . ." Ron silenced the boy's questions with a well placed right cross, "any other questions?"

"How do we lure them out of their room?" One of the others asked nervously.

"I have a cunning plan," Ron's eyes lit up.

"A cunning plan?"

"Yes a cunning plan." Ron agreed, Vengeance was his.

The three boys made their way to the entrance to Harry and Hermione's suite of rooms.

"Minor unimportant character number one," Ron nodded to the boy. "You knock on the door, while minor unimportant character number two pretends to be dieing or something."

"Yes?" Hermione answered the door, "what is it?"

"Look," Ron pointed. "An unimportant character convulsing."

"That's very interesting Ron," Hermione nodded. "But I have things to do right now."

"Why don't you call Harry over first," Ron smiled nervously. "He always loves to watch the extras suffer."

"Fine," Hermione frowned. "But you're cutting into my recreation time."

"What's going on?" Harry stepped into the doorway.

"Ron wants you to watch this nameless student suffer," Hermione nodded towards the convulsing student. "And now that you've seen it, let's get back to what we were doing."

"Ok," Harry nodded. "Do you expect me to talk?"

"No Mr. Potter," Hermione gave a naughty smile. "I expect . . ."

"Hah," Ron seized his chance and hit both his friends with the 'Redo' Charm.

"Ron?" Harry managed to get his wand half way out of his pocket before falling to the charm's effects.

"And Ha, again." Ron ha'ed down at his friends again. "That's for taking my toothbrush."

"Here's your shoe cleaning brush back Ron," Ginny tossed it across the room. "Though after cleaning off what I stepped in . . . let's just say I think you should get a new one."

"Shoe cleaning brush?" Ron asked dumbly.

"Yup," Ginny nodded. "Sorry I didn't get it back to you as soon as I usually do."

"But," Ron looked at the offending item with growing horror. "I clean my teeth with that."

"You clean your teeth with the same brush I use to clean my shoes?" Ginny looked disgusted, "that's gross Ron no wonder you can't get a girlfriend."

"Oh," Ron looked down at his recovering friends. "Sorry about that guys. I'll just be going, I have another Vengeance to plan."

"What happened?" Harry groaned.

"I'm not sure," Hermione replied. "Who are you?"

"I'm," Harry rubbed his chin. "Godric Gryffindor, who are you?"

"It's me," Hermione rubbed her face. "Helga, you don't look like yourself Godric."

"You're also looking different Helga," Godric nodded. "Let's go find out what's going on."

"Are you really Godric Gryffindor and Helga Hufflepuff?" An awestruck student asked in a tone of awe.

"Sure, why not." Godric shrugged. "What's going on?"

"The Headmaster turned into a Dark Lord," the student's lower lip jutted out and began to quiver. "So we cast the 'Redo' charm on Harry and Hermione so that they would stop him."

"And stop him we shall," Godric agreed. "Come Helga, we have work to do."

The two rushed out and returned about three seconds later.

"Hello all," Harry greeted them in an oily tone. "Why are you all gathered around like that?"

"Who are you?" One of the students asked.

"Salazar Slytherin," Harry smirked evilly. "And this is my associate . . ."

"Rowena Ravenclaw," Hermione finished. "And you have yet to answer my colleague's question."

"Well," the student stammered nervously.

"What are you talking about?" A young muggle born first year looked at the assorted students incredulously, "that's Harry and Hermione."

"We most certainly are not," Rowena replied.

"Fine," the first year frowned. "You're Godric and Helga, happy?"

"Forgive her my Lord and Lady," one of the other students begged. "She means no disrespect."

"What I want to know is how anybody could mistake the two of us for Godric and Helga?" Salazar wondered aloud.

"I agree sir," the student nodded. "You have a goatee and Godric does not, and Rowena wears glasses and Helga does not."

"Have 'Rowena' take off her glasses," the first year protested. "And 'Salazar' take off his beard."

"Look," the other student turned to the first year. "Rowena wears glasses and Helga does not, if Helga was really Rowena then how would she see?"

"Yeah," another student agreed smugly. "And Salazar has a goatee, that's how you know that he's evil. Godric isn't evil and he doesn't have a goatee."

"Ten points each for such great thinking," Rowena nodded. "I just wish you were all in my house after hearing such flawless logic."

"Now leave us," Salazar ordered. "We wish to speak with the first year . . . alone."

The other students rushed away, their desire to protect their comrade overwhelmed by their fear of the two founders.

"What is with pure bloods?" The first year shook her head, "and I know that you 'four' are the same two people."

"That's right," Rowena nodded. "Good job, most people don't figure out that we're the same people."

"But why did you start this in the first place?" The first year couldn't figure that part out.

"We needed four teachers for the school," Rowena shrugged.

"And we didn't think that anybody in the wizarding world would notice," Salazar smirked. "After all, Rowena wears glasses-"

"-and Salazar has a beard." Rowena finished. "Wizards and witches may have a lot of power, but they don't have a lot of common sense."

"If you have even a small amount of intelligence," Salazar continued. "You can make them dance to your tune."

"Wow," the first years eyes widened in shock. "Can you help me get another identity?"

"Well . . . it is both illegal and immoral," Hermione shrugged. "But, ok. When do you want to start?"

IIIIIIIIII

Meanwhile, a group of first years in green cloaks gathered outside the Headmaster's office.

"I don't think he's gonna come out to play with us," a young first year girl pouted.

"How dare you question the Dark Lord . . . Tim," her class mate hissed. "You must be punished."

"Ok," the girl cheered up. "Do you want me to punish you next?"

"Then me," another minion demanded.

At his desk, Dumbledore winced every time he heard one of the children bust into laughter. The Headmaster buried his face in his hands as he wallowed in disgust, how could he have turned a group of innocent first years into a group of Lemon Drop Eaters. Lemon Drop Eaters being the name that the Dark Lord . . . Tim had chosen for his followers.

"I can't see a way that I'll ever be able to repair the damage," Dumbledore took another sip of fire whiskey. "I set those children on the path to darkness and I don't know how to take them off it."

Behind him, Dobby glared suspiciously from his perch on one of the book shelves. "Dobby is watching you Dark Lord pause for dramatic effect Tim," the elf fixed the headmaster with an unblinking stare. "And Dobby will stop you when you try again."

* * *

AN: I have no idea how many of these I'll write, I have the ending planned so I guess I'll write them until I get tired of this story and then I'll end it.

* * *


	10. Animal Farm    ewwww

Disclaimer: I have disavowed any knowledge of this fic.

* * *

Animal Farm . . . ewwww

* * *

"Hey Hermione," Ron smiled nervously. "You're not angry about that charm I cast on you are you?" 

"No," Hermione turned the page in her book. "But Harry is."

"Where is Harry?" Ron looked around nervously.

"Harry? Oh, he's all tied up at the moment." It was so easy to win a coin toss when he didn't notice that she switched out his two sided coin for one of her own.

"O . . . k," Ron's mind franticly searched for an innocent way of hearing what his friend had just said then gave up and instructed him to change the subject. "Are you coming to class today?"

"I suppose," Hermione yawned. "what do we have coming up?"

"Well," Ron knew that he shouldn't have sampled that potion in Snape's class. "We have Potions Class in a few minutes with Professor Snape."

"Let's go then," Hermione stood up. "We don't want to be late."

"Don't worry about it," Ron protested as his bushy haired friend dragged him through the halls. "Snape doesn't care if students are late anymore."

Ignoring the red headed boy's advice, Hermione rushed through the halls and chose a seat for herself at the head of the classroom.

"Hi everybody," Snape stumbled into the room wearing a bright tie dyed robe.

"Hi Professor Snape," the class replied.

"Today . . . we're going to be brewing . . . a powerful potion today," Snape began then stared at nothing for five minutes. "It's called the Shakabakalakamaka Potion."

"But Professor," Hermione squinted at the board. "The recipe you have up is for a class ten restricted potion."

"Very good Ms. Potter," Snape nodded. "And since you know so much about it, I expect yours to be particularly potent . . . fifty points from Gryffindor if I remember this conversation."

"That's not fair," Hermione protested.

"Neither is the fact that I'm becoming coherent and starting to remember . . . the incident, but that won't stop it from happening." Snape replied sourly, "a hundred more points from Gryffindor if I remember this conversation . . . it had better be a good potion."

"He wants a potent Potion huh?" Hermione muttered to herself, "well I'll give him a potent Potion then."

"I'm finished Professor," Hermione called out innocently. "And I made it extra strong just for you."

"It had better be good," Snape took a sip of Hermione's Potion and his eyes rolled up in pleasure. "Oh yeah that's the stuff, fifty Bajilion million points to whatever your house is for . . . stuff or something."

"Thank you Professor," Hermione replied with a smirk.

"Man," Snape stumbled out of the room. "You get a Z for Zuper or zomething, good jop ;lkj;aljf aksjdf."

"How did Snape talk in semicolons?" Ron watched the Professor stumble out of the class room, "and what did you give him."

"I'd better be getting back to my rooms," Hermione ignored the question. "Harry'll probably have the knots loosened and I don't want him to escape."

"Could I have some of that Potion?" Ron was learning things about his best friends that he never wanted to know.

"Maybe later," Hermione rushed out of the room.

Ron followed at a distance and watched as she walked into the room. Then, pressing his ear against the wall to hear the goings on. He became privy to a something that would scar him for life.

"Oh Harry," Hermione called out as she entered the room. "I'm back."

"And Hermione Darling," Harry's voice held a hint of amusement. "I taught myself to untie knots with my toes while you were gone."

"Flip for it?" Hermione asked with a hint of optimism.

"Not when I have my wand out," Harry's amusement multiplied.

"What do you mean?" Hermione's voice sounded puzzled, "you don't even have any clothes on and . . . oh."

Tearing his ear away from the wall, Ron started to walk back to the Great Hall. That walk turned to a terror inspired run when he heard Hermione's muffled voice call out, "oh yes Punish me ahhhh."

There were just some things that he wasn't ready to learn about his best friend's personal lives . . . make that there were a lot of things that he'd never be ready to know about his best friend's personal lives.

IIIIIIIIII

"Our spies tell us that Potter has learned a ritual that has made him very powerful master," Random death eater number five and a half bowed.

"What is this spell?" The dark lord loomed.

"It is called the redo spell master," the death eater cowered. "And it has given him the power of the founders."

"Cast this spell on me," Voldemort ordered. "If this spell made Potter powerful then imagine what it shall do for me."

"Yes master," the death eater agreed and with a swish and a flick . . . the dark lord became something else.

"Moo," the most feared dark lord in recent memory looked around the room. "Moo."

The death eaters shared a confused look, "master?"

"Mooo," the dark lord started chewing his cud.

"Maybe it's a test?" One of the death eaters suggested.

"Maybe we should get the hell out of here before we get Crucioed," suggested another.

IIIIIIIIII

"And now class," Minerva looked around the room. "We check our mash to make sure that it's ready to distill."

"Um Professor," one of the students raised her hand. "What does this have to do with transfiguration?"

"I had you transfigure all the items to make the still didn't I?" McGonagall asked.

"Yes," the student nodded.

"Then think of this as a lesson in practical transfiguration," McGonagall replied. "Anymore questions?"

IIIIIIIIII

"What can I do to make things right?" Dumbledore was racked with guilt and the laughter of the children made him cringe . . . he had done that to them. "Perhaps I should try the charm again and hope for a better role model."

"Dobby is watching you," the house elf glared from his hiding place. "There is no escape evil dark sock hater."

"I assure you that I am not an evil sock hater," Dumbledore sighed. "I have recovered from that spell and I seek redeem myself."

"Dobby doesn't believe you . . . sock hater," Dobby continued to glare. "Dobby will always be watching you and your evil plan will never work . . . sock hater."

IIIIIIIIII

"Arr," Luna was wearing an eye patch and a red silk shirt. "Give me yer booty wench."

"Who cast the redo charm on Luna?" Ron glared at everyone in the great hall. "Who's the dumb bastard that was dumb enough the cast the bloody redo charm on Luna?"

"No one," Ginny sighed. "She said that she was feeling a bit left out and when no one would cast it on her . . . well, she decided that she didn't need a stupid charm to play pirate or something."

"Oh," Ron relaxed. "I . . . I was scared for a minute that . . . well, I guess it doesn't matter."

"Fifteen men on a dead man's chest," Luna began singing. "Yo ho ho and a bottle of rum. Drink to the devil and he'll do the rest, yo ho ho and a bottle of rum."

"It's gonna be a long day," Ron sighed.

"I agree," Crabbe nodded. "Quite strange isn't it?"

"Very," Goyle nodded. "Quite . . . what do you think Ronald?"

"I think I need to get some of Hermione's potion," Ron replied. "If you'll excuse me."

"Of course," Crabbe smiled. "Don't be long old chap."

"We were hoping to challenge you to a chess match later," Goyle added.

IIIIIIIIII

"Guys, you're not going to believe this." Ron burst into Harry and Hermione's room and froze.

Hermione dropped the rubber chicken and Harry put the handcuffs back into his pocket.

"What are those clothes?" Ron's lower lip was quivering.

"Harry's wearing a classical big game hunter's outfit and I'm in a school girl uniform," Hermione replied in a business like tone. "Now is there some reason you saw fit to interrupt our . . . exercise?"

"I . . ." Ron went cross eyed, "wanted to tell you that someone cast the redo charm on Crabbe and Goyle."

"I see,' Harry took off his pith helmet. "Anything else?"

"I want to get some of that potion that Hermione gave Snape," Ron was just glad that his parents never did things like this. "I've seen things that no man should see . . . and I want to destroy the memory."

"Have Ginny charm your memory or something," Harry shoved his friend out of the room. "We're busy right now and can't be bothered to show any pretend interest in your petty problems."

"Well," Ron blinked as the door slammed shut. "I guess they were right when they said that a bloke's best friend would betray them for any two bit scarlet woman that comes along . . . and I guess it works both ways since Hermione won't help me either."

IIIIIIIIII

"Alright then," the Dark Lord glared at his followers. "We're all agreed that the corpse here cast the spell wrong . . . aren't we?"

"Um . . . we've been talking my Lord and we agree that we didn't see anything," one of the death eaters spoke out.

"Really?" The Dark Lord absentmindedly chewed his cud, "so prey tell what happened then?"

"I think you meant pray tell what happened my Lord," one of the dumber death eaters tried to correct his master.

"CRUCIO the Dark Lord screamed. "I did not make a mistake you twit, it was a clever and subtitle threat that you ruined by your idiocy."

"Um . . . yeah," one of the death eaters began kicking dumb death eater. "How dare you question our lord."

"Yeah," the other death eaters agreed . . . what, they're toadies.

After a rousing game of beat the only one that show intelligence to death . . . or is that a lack of intelligence because he was dumb enough to open his mouth . . . ah well, as I was saying after their game the meeting continued.

"Where was I?" The dark lord tapped his chin.

"Prey tell my Lord," one of the death eaters spoke up.

"Oh yes," the Dark Lord nodded. "Prey tell what happened then?"

"You performed some sort of horribly dark ritual and our minds were shattered and we had a mass hallucination my Lord," a death eater spoke up. "So terrible was your might that it over awed our puny selves."

"Yes . . . right," Voldemort nodded. "So . . . does anyone know how to cast this redo charm?"

"I do my lord," the death eater spoke up.

"Then cast it on me," Vodemort grinned. "So that I may become more powerful then ever."

"I can't my Lord," the death eater smirked under his mask he wasn't going to die because the dark lord turned into another farm animal. "I . . . hurt my wand hand in the latest raid, but I taught this guy to do it and if there are any mistakes they're all his fault."

"Oh," the dark lord turned to that guy. "Procede."

"Damn," the death eater raised his wand and with a swish and a flick the charm was cast. "My Lord?"

"Baa baa," Voldesheep baaed.

"Let's get out of here," one of the few intelligent death eaters screamed. "We'll tell him that he performed another ritual or something."

"You guys go ahead," one the . . . stranger death eaters smirked. "I'll stay here to watch the dark lord."

"Ummmm . . . me to," another agreed.

The last words the death eaters heard as they popped out would haunt them forever.

"Hey . . . let's find a fence to push this feller up against."

* * *

AN: If you don't know why they were pushing the dark lord baa up against a fence . . . well . . . I'm not going to tell you. 


	11. Green Beard

Disclaimer: If a girl wants you to go play pirate with her, make sure you know what she's talking about before you agree. Trust me on this even though I have NO experience with this particular subject, I have never been kidnapped and held prisoner in the bilge of a ship and fed nothing but mouldy maggot ridden bread and stale water. I wasn't used as slave labor in a small distillery on a tropical island for six months before knifing one of my guards and betraying a group of prisoners. I did not spend another two months floating on a raft in the middle of the ocean with two other people and in the end I did not resort to cannibalism as a last resort to survive. So, since that's clear let us never mention it again.

* * *

Green Beard

* * *

"You called us my lordyness?" Random death eater 221a groveled.

"Bring me Shepherds," the dark lord screamed. "So that their screams of agony might sooth my aching . . . soul."

"Yes my lord," the death eater nodded. "But don't you mean your aching . . ."

"CRUCIO," the dark lord started crying. "Crucio crucio crucio crucio crucio."

"Perhaps that wasn't the smartest thing I could have done," the death eater groaned. "But it sure was funny."

IIIIIIIIII

Harry and Hermione were sitting down to breakfast in the great hall when an pig swooped down and delivered a newspaper.

"Hmmm," Harry hmmed as he examined the animal perched on an unhappy dean's shoulder. "Some one must have cast the redo charm on this pig as a joke . . . and it must have been a mail owl in a past life."

"Harry look at this," Hermione pointed to one of the stories in the news paper. "Shepherds all around the world are being found dead and maimed."

"That's terrible," Harry was aghast. "I wish there was something I could do about that."

"Well," Hermione smiled. "I could cast the redo charm on you again . . . maybe you'd turn into some great detective."

"No," Harry shook his head. "Absolutely not, promise me that you won't cast that charm on me."

"Ok," Hermione sighed. "I promise . . . Ginny?"

"What?" Harry turned to the redheaded girl.

"I owe her a few favors." Ginny shrugged and with a swish and a flick . . . Harry was someone else.

"Arrr," Harry produced a large fake green beard from somewhere and deftly attached it to his face. "I be green beard the pirate . . . most feared pirate in three of the seven seas."

"Arrr." Luna replied from her table. "And I be Captain Luna, most feared pirate in all of Hogwarts."

"Arrr," Harry nodded to his new colleague. "Good to be meeting you Cap'n Luna."

"Arrr," Luna replied. "Avast ye scurvy knave."

"Watch your tongue you mutinous dog."

"Arrr"

"Arrr"

"AAAAArrrrr"

"Arrr arr arrrr"

"Arrrr rrraa arrrr."

"Why is your beard green?" Hermione shot straight to the matter . . . and destroyed the pirate feedback loop.

"I couldn't grow a decent beard of my own so I had to go to a costume shop," Harry replied. "And besides, most of the other colors were taken."

"Ok, that satisfies my curiosity . . . come on," Hermione grabbed Harry's hand. "It's time to go play evil pirate and helpless wench."

"What?" Harry the green beard was a bit confused, "I don't think you're supposed to be so enthusiastic about this."

"It'll be great," Hermione giggled . . . her perversion had given her the strength of a thousand strongmen. "Because you'll actually be a pirate . . . come on Harry, hurry up."

"I'm sorry Cap'n Luna," Harry called out as he was dragged out of the great hall. "But her strength is too mighty to overcome."

"Oh poo," Luna frowned. "Ronald . . . would you like to play pirate with me?"

"Like Harry and Hermione are paying Pirate right now?" Ron perked up.

"Yes," Luna nodded. "But first you'll have to change your clothes."

"Sure," Ron nodded. "What do you want me to change them to?"

"Oh, I'll do it." Luna smiled and with a flick of her wand, Ron was dressed in the uniform of a royal naval officer.

"Nice clothes," Ron admired himself.

"Yes," Luna agreed. "Now come along Ronald, we must be getting to the Room of Requirements, that's where my ship is moored."

"Whatever," Ron shrugged . . . he was finally gonna get some.

IIIIIIIIII

Room of Requirements . . . three days later.

"Are you in here Ms. Lovegood?" McGonagall stepped into the room and onto the deck of a seventeenth century pirate ship.

"I'm right here Professor," Luna called out from the crows nest.

"Well come down here then," Minerva replied sternly.

"Yes Professor." Luna grabbed one of the lines and swung down.

"What can I do for you?"

"Two things," McGonagall replied sternly. "We'll start with the most important."

"Ok," Luna nodded.

"You said that you'd figured out a way to make Rum?" McGonagall leaned forward, "and you may have mentioned that it was the finest Rum you'd ever encountered."

"Yes Professor," Luna nodded. "Come this way." Luna led the Professor below decks to her captain's quarters and motioned for the older woman to sit down.

"Well?"

"Here it is Professor," Luna put a glass in front of the Transfiguration Mistress. "Tell me what you think."

"Smooth body," McGonagall took another sip. "Definitely some of the best I've ever had . . . now I'm not willing to give up my whiskey mind you, but it is worth tasting again."

"Oh goody," Luna clapped her hands.

"And now for the second matter," McGonagall spoke firmly. "What is the fate of Mr. Weasley?"

"I'll show you," Luna nodded. "Come this way Professor." Luna led the Professor to the deepest part of the ship. There, half submerged in the bilge, was Ron Weasley.

"Professor help," Ron's uniform was dirty and ripped. His eyes were red and he looked like he'd endured a terrible ordeal, "she's crazy. She forces me to work and then locks me down here when I'm not working, she says that she's going to make me walk the plank if the navy doesn't pay my ransom and worst of all she feeds me is mouldy maggot ridden bread and stale water."

"Silence Wench," Luna screamed. "Or I'll cut out that mutinous tongue of yours."

"Ms. Lovegood," Minerva was outraged. "I demand that you let Mr. Weasley go right now."

"But without him then I won't be able to make anymore rum," Luna protested.

"Explain?"

"I force him to do all the hard work in the distillation process," Luna explained. "Without his labor, I'd never be able to get any rum."

"Oh." McGonagall gave a grave nod. "Then I'm afraid that I can't help you Mr. Weasley."

"What?" Ron screeched.

"I'll start sending you any students that need detention," Minerva said with a nod. "And I'll have to ask that you allow Mr. Weasley to have a short break in the castle every now and again."

"Ok," Luna bounced.

"Now if you'll excuse me," Minerva took one last look around. "I have to get back to class."

"You can't do this," Ron screamed. "I have rights."

"Silence Wench," Luna screeched. "I guess the only way to make you learn is to cut your rations and double your work."

IIIIIIIIII

"Master?" One of the death eaters raised his hand, "before you try that dark ritual again . . . maybe you should test it on someone else."

"Yes," Voldemort hissed. "Someone so weak that they'll be easy to control, someone that is so sniveling and pathetic that they'll have no way to say no."

"Um . . . Snape hasn't been coming to meetings Master," another death eater spoke up. "He just takes mind altering potions all day."

"I see . . . Wormtail, get out here." Voldemort called.

"Yes master," Peter sniveled.

"Now cast the charm on him," Voldemort commanded.

"Yes master," the death eater replied. And with a flick and a swish . . . Wormtail became someone else.

"Gwahahahahaha," Wormtail's evil laugh stunned everyone. "Free . . . after all these years I'm finally free. Die fools, bwhahahahahaha."

In the end it took the entire might of the dark lord's army to bring down the latest threat and when all was said and done, Peter was nothing but a red smear on the ground and half of the death eaters were dead.

"If it gave that weak fool so much power," Voldemort mused. "It can't help but make me even more powerful . . . cast the spell on me again."

"My magical reserves were depleted in the battle," the death eater simpered.

"Mine too"

"And mine"

"Same here"

The other death eaters were quick to agree.

"Fine," the dark lord pouted. "Then we'll just have to wait awhile until you're all filled up again."

"Yes my lordyess"

"Right o' mate"

"Sure thing boss"

"Sounds like fun"

The minions agreed.

IIIIIIIIII

Ron and Harry both look like hell, they have this conversation after Ron and Harry escape

"What happened to you?"

"Hermione insisted that I cast the spell on her again," Harry's voice was sleepy. "So I did."

"So?"

"So I got the author of the Kama Sutra." Harry began shaking, "you know how they always said that the author of the Kama Sutra was some pent up virgin with a lot of imagination that had lots of frustration to work off?"

"Can't say I have mate," Ron replied quickly. "And you're starting to stray into the I don't want to know territory again . . . in fact, you crossed the border and are half way to the capital city."

"Sorry about that. But let me just add that I didn't think I could be that flexible, I'm happy as hell that Hermione's that flexible, and I'm gonna be sore for weeks." Harry yawned, "what happened to you?"

"Luna wanted to play pirate and like an idiot, I agreed to join her." Ron shuddered.

"Lucky you." Harry smirked, "Hermione and I played Pirate and it was . . . interesting. Still think I shoulda been the one doing the ravishing, but you take what you can get."

"No mate you don't understand." Ron shook his head, "when Luna plays pirate she really plays pirate. She locked me in the hold of her ship, used me as slave labor in her rum distillery, and fed me rotten food. It was terrible, the woman's insane and I'm never going near her again."

"Didn't the professors do anything to help you?"

"Luna paid off McGonagall with bottles of Rum." Ron glared at the head table."On the plus side, now she's running the detentions so I had a chance to escape."

"Huh?"

"Lots of new students," Ron said with glee. "She couldn't be everywhere at once . . . don't expect to see Malfoy for a while. Luna's using him as a galley slave, I'd almost feel sorry for him if he hadn't been the one I betrayed to escape."

"Betrayed?"

"I hatched a plan with him and a few other students to escape," Ron explained. "In the end, Luna was chasing us so I kicked Malfoy in the leg and ran away. We got away and he's working as a galley slave."

"How do you know all this?" Harry shook his head, "it happened after you escaped."

"Luna, in addition to running the detentions she's also printing a school newspaper for extra credit," Ron said quickly. "It's all on page four."

"Sucks to be you mate," Harry commiserated with his friend. "Sucks to be you."

IIIIIIIIII

Well, we know what Harry's doing . . . why don't we go check in on Luna?

"Cap'n Luna," a firsty with an eye patch called out the odd girl. "The hunting party is ready, do ye wish us to bring back the escaped prisoner?"

"Arr." Luna scratched her chin with a hook that she had clutched in her hand, "no need. I've already put out a reward in the school paper for his capture. A hog's head of rum for the one that brings him back."

"What if you're too young to drink rum?" The firsty asked innocently.

"Then a hog's head of . . . chocolate for whoever brings back the scurvy dog that's too young to drink rum."

Or not . . . why don't we go check with someone else?

IIIIIIIIII

"Harry?" Neville ignored the pack of firstys and Professor McGonagall dragging Ron off to a fate worse than death.

"What can I do for you Neville?"

"Could you cast the Redo charm on me?" Neville asked nervously.

"Why in the hell would you want to do that?" Harry was incredulous. "Do you know how much trouble that bloody charm has gotten me into?"

"Yeah I listen at the door sometimes," Neville admitted quietly.

"What was that?" Harry's eyes widened.

"I said it also got you a wife and an . . . active married life." Neville said quickly.

"Yeah it did," said Harry with a silly grin on his face.

"So I was hoping that you'd cast the charm on me." Neville brought the conversation back on track. "If all else fails then maybe I can get an idea of what it's like to live another life."

"If you're sure," Harry said slowly.

"I'm sure." Neville nodded.

"Then get Ginny to do it," Harry replied firmly. "Hermione has to do all sorts of things that I would never allow you to do to me to get me to use that bloody charm and she has to get even more inventive when she wants me to cast the charm on her."

"I . . ." Neville watched in shock as Harry left the great hall at a dead run.

"I'd be happy to cast that charm on you Neville." Ginny's voice spoke up from behind Neville. So, with a swish and a flick Neville became . . . someone else.

"Woah," Neville glanced around. "Far out."

"Who're you?" Ginny asked quickly.

"Most folks call me Moon Beam . . . you got any grass?" Neville . . . er . . . Moon Beam asked after finding his pockets empty.

"Grass?"

"Yeah," Neville agreed. "Better yet . . . you know where I could score some plants?"

"Check the green house." Ginny was a bit disappointed that Neville wasn't more entertaining.

"Could you show me where it is?"

"I could," Ginny admitted. "But I'm not going to . . . I'm going to go . . . somewhere else now."

* * *

AN: I'd say that there's only one more chapter of this.

* * *


	12. Murglevase

Disclaimer: It really isn't a good idea to delay someone that has a young, pretty, kinky, nymphomaniac wife waiting for them. It could get you killed or worse, really just trust me on this one.

* * *

Murglevase

* * *

It was a normal day at Hogwarts, well normal compared to some of the odd things that had been happening since Hermione found the Redo charm.

Snape walked in and stormed over to Neville who, to the shock of nearly every student in the school was seated between two buxom girls.

"Hey man," Neville greeted his former tormentor.

"Do you have it?" Snape demanded.

"Like sure dude," Neville agreed. "Here you go." Snape snatched something out of Neville's hand and spent a few minutes examining it.

"And you're sure I won't be able to remember anything after I use this?" Snape whispered to Neville.

"Like yeah man," Neville agreed. "It'll really open up your mind."

"I don't want to open my mind," Snape hissed. "I want to not be able to feel feelings or think or remember."

"Oh," Neville said slowly. "Then you might want to mix it with this man."

"Fifty points if this works," Snape said finally. Neville watched as his former nemisis stormed out of the great hall.

"He was a real buzz killer," Neville said after a moment.

"You said it Neville,"

IIIIIIIIII

"I trust that everone is well rested?" Voldemort asked the room.

"Yes my Lord," the Death Eaters agreed.

"Because if you aren't well rested then I'm going to make your lives hell," Voldemort explained.

"We're ready my Lord," the death eater said nervously. "And we think that . . . he should be the one to cast it."

"Really?" The dark lord purred, "and why is that?"

"Because he's the best at casting it my lord," the death eater replied. "Only the best for you."

"Yes," Voldemort agreed. "Only the best for me."

"My lord I . . ." the unfortunate death eater stammered.

"Get on with it," Voldemort demanded.

"Yes my lord," the death eater agreed and with a swish and a flick . . . Voldemort became someone else.

"Where am I?" The Dark Lord asked politely.

"You're in your evil fortress my lord," one of the death eaters replied.

"Who are you people?" Voldemort spoke as he lifted his wand.

"We're your evil followers my lord," another death eater replied. "You know, the people that commit unspeakably evil acts on your say so? Why just last week we killed off an entire innocent family for no reason other then to satisfy our sick urges."

"I see," Voldemort said calmly. "Perhaps I should introduce myself."

"We know who you are my lord," another dim death eater spoke up. "You're the most evil dark lord ever and we are your evil followers."

"I am Murglevase the Good," Voldemort disagreed. "And it is time for all of you to die."

What followed was a massacre, Murglevase tore thought the few survivors of Wormtail's rampage like snot through a Kleenex. No quarter was given and no survivors . . . survived.

"That's that," Murglevase said happily. "And now the only thing left to do is to insure that my evil can never escape to harm the innocent world ever again, if I know dark lords and I do . . . I probably split my soul up or something like that. Suppose I'd better destroy the items holding said soul before I go find my nemisis, who fate dictates must be a plucky young boy."

Murglevase spent the next day scouring the world for the evil items that held fragments of Voldemort's evil soul and destroying them. That task completed, Murglevase went off to Hogwarts to make sure it all ended in a way that favored the side of good.

Murglevase walked on to the castle grounds and in through the main entrance to the great hall.

"Um . . . Hello?" Murglevase called out. In one corner he spied a boy in tie dyed robes sandwiched between two girls in matching robes. At the Ravenclaw table he saw a young girl dressed as a Pirate menacing a large redheaded boy with a razer sharp cutlass. A group of first years were clustered in another section of the hall muttering something too low to hear and casting tickling charm after tickling charm on their companions. At the Slytherin table, a blond boy was crying and muttering something about how he really was a dark lord and two rather dim looking boys were engaged in a furious game of chess "Excuse me?" Murglevase tried again.

"What can I do for you?" A woman with a severe bun and a large bottle of whiskey asked with a frown.

"I was hoping I could talk to the Headmaster," Murglevase replied.

"Why do you wish to talk to the Headmaster?" McGonagall asked with a scowl.

"Well," Murglevase began. "It turns out that I'm an evil dark lord in this incarnation and I was hoping that the Headmaster could exterminate me."

"You," McGonagall snagged one of the students. "Go get Harry, you get the Headmaster."

"No need," Dumbledore swept into the room. "I'm here."

"Good," Murglevase said with a grin. "Kill me."

"Excuse me?" Dumbledore was dumbfounded.

"It's not a difficult concept," Murglevase said with a grin. "Kill me so I don't turn evil again."

"But don't you see," Dumbledore said with a large grin. "This is your chance to redeem yourself."

"I'm not sure it's worth the risk to innocent people," Murglevase disagreed. "Much simpler to kill me now and be done with it."

"Hey everybody," Harry strolled into the room. "What's Voldemort doing here? Time for the final battle or another one of the twin's pranks."

"He's trying to get someone to kill him," McGonagall explained.

"Yes, you must destroy me before I turn bad again." Voldemort begged.

"Sounds good to me," Harry agreed. "Redu . . ."

"Harry stop," Dumbledore demanded.

"Why?" Voldemort asked.

"Yeah why?" Harry growled.

"Because he still has a chance to redeem himself while he lives," Dumbledore explained.

"We can't take that chance," Voldemort retorted.

"Yeah what he said," Harry said.

"Don't you think that a dark lord might have a chance to be redeemed?" Dumbledore asked with a frown.

"Who cares," Harry replied with a shrug.

"How can you be this flippant?" Dumbledore asked with a sad frown.

"Would you mind killing me before continuing this argument?" Voldemort interjected.

"Sorry about that," Harry said. "Got caught up in things."

"Perfectly alright," Voldemort assured his foe.

"Thank you," Harry said. "Reducto."

Voldemort's head exploded and the wall behind was showered with his brain matter.

"Harry," Dumbledore said sadly. "Couldn't you have waited.

"No, I couldn't." Harry replied as he began to walk away.

"But why not?" Dumbledore asked.

"Because I've got a hot, young, kinky, nymphomaniac wife waiting for me," Harry growled. "And I wasn't going to spend anymore time dealing with this little problem then I had to."

"But . . ."

"Keep it up," Harry's growl deepened. "And I'll be forced to conclude that the same solution might end this conversation faster then anything else I can think of."

"Oh . . . never mind then," Dumbledore said nervously. "Why don't you just get back to that kinky wife of yours then?"

"Thank you Headmaster, I think I will."

Harry stormed up to his room and wasn't seen for another three days. Some said that he wanted to avoid the wizarding world's celebrations, Harry never wanted to be famous they said and Harry wouldn't show his face till things calmed down. Others disagreed, they said that Harry was having a private celebration with his kinky young wife.

When Harry did finally show his face, it was only to a small group of friends.

"Hey mate," Ron greeted his friend. "Congratulations on that whole killing Voldemort thing, good on you."

"Thanks," Harry said with a grin. "It was much easier then I thought it'd be."

"Bit anticlimactic wasn't it," Ron agreed.

"Better then the alternative," Harry said with a shrug. "So how have things been with you?"

"I managed to convince Luna to get a letter of marque from the British government to fight the French," Ron replied. "Told her it was her patriotic duty."

"And?" Harry asked in intrest.

"She raided Beauxbatons and captured most of their first years and half their second years," Ron said with a grin. "Forced them to make rum and I say to that, better them then me."

"You do know that she's going to decide the war's over one of these days don't you?" Harry asked his friend, "and she'll capture you and force you to do her bidding again?"

"I try not to think about that mate," Ron groaned. "So I'll thank you not to remind me."

"Sorry," Harry said with a wince.

"Can't believe all that's happened since Hermione found that bloody charm," Ron said with a yawn. "Who would have imagined."

"Yeah," Harry agreed.

"Might be best to keep Hermione away from the Library for a while," Ron suggested. "If she found that charm who knows what else is waiting to torment us in that bloody place."

"You know Ron," Harry began. "I just realised that you never had a chance to experience the spell."

"Course not." Ron smirked. "You'd have to be pretty dim to let someone cast that spell on you."

"O really?" Harry pulled out his wand . . . The End


End file.
